You only have one body, try to live with it

What a hard time for our bodies…

How it is now

Few days ago, before a zoom meeting started, one of my colleagues was complaining again about gaining weight during lockdown… I was mad. At her but also at myself because of how we see our body. I then said, it’s ok to gain weight, there is nothing wrong about it. It’s not the end of the world if you have to buy the size above. But really who was I talking to her? Or myself? I guess both.

First of all, I really think it’s ok if you gain weight since last year as long as it’s not a threat on your health. Why ? because we are living during a bloody pandemic! Your body and mental health have been trying to adapt to this situation that none of us were prepared to live.

I don’t know about you but that’s my first pandemic (and hopefully the last one…). You don’t have to lose or gain weight, you don’t have to create a business, ten or none at all… you just have to survive. And for some people it means gaining weight whether because of more food or no exercises but also you might just gain weight just because! Living this kind of situation is hard on your mind which can affects your body in so many different way.

A bit of back ground

Now, I personally decided to eat healthier because I had more time to cook and because I wanted to lose weight for my health, but I would lie if I’m not saying that I also wanted to lose weight just because I think I’m supposed to (thanks society “standards”, and fucking BMI). After the past few years I realised the weight gain was quite hard on my knees and on my heart rate when I was taking the stairs… so it was something quite real for me. I remember talking about weight with my friends and saying I’m fat. First of all, I am not saying that for you to tell me I am not and second this is not a bad word… But usually that’s what would happen and people would say “but you’re not fat, you’re curvy… you have curves, it’s nice and sexy” blah blah blah. I think that’s just another way to say it. Most of the persons who were saying that, met me after 26 and by that time i already gained a bit of weight (and also I noticed my hips were getting wider… not ready yet for a baby, body darling). Before that I was in the society standards so I didn’t really have this obsession about weight and food and I wasn’t comparing myself to when I was 15… Also, when I’m saying I’m fat, I’m talking on my behalf. You need to understand that when people are talking to you, usually they are talking with their owns experiences so they shouldn’t dismiss what you are saying. I know what it is because I can feel the difference on MY body. Unfortunately, most of the time the people who are saying that, are not as fat as you and if they were at your size, they won’t be happy either… Now, I am not saying that when you’re not fat you don’t have issues, you can have some(or not) and it’s different for everyone. Also, being a black person, they kind of also think that for you it’s normal, you know African women are curvy etc… but that’s another problem for another day but you see what I’m talking about.

People need to understand you have adjectives that actually describe a situation, and it’s how you use it or interpret it that can make them negative of positive. Now, with the fact of being fat which means for ME to be overweight which definition is “having more fat than what is considered healthy”. The question is do you want to lose the weight? And why ? Nowadays , my first reason is for health, in general and also because of my diabetes (although this is not the reason I have it as it’s not type 2) and also because of me getting older… As I said earlier, I would be lying if I was saying I don’t want to lose weight just to lose weight… that is because of the image I have about bodies in general because of the representations we see every single day . I’m so happy that we see more cellulite, love-handles, thigh kissing each others, arms giggling, but personally I sill have the images I’ve been seeing of the “perfect women body” (usually mostly skinny white ones) for decades… So slowly but surely I’m trying to educated myself and accept my body and dismiss the brainwash we’ve been served by the society. I don’t know if your are aware but for example there is a misuse of the BMI, which is used all the time everywhere to determine someone health. It only uses your height and weight without taking into account other factors like muscle density, ethnicity, fat distribution…It’s so wrong to misguide people this way,do you know how it was invented? 200 years ago by a mathematician (not a physician) to find a quick and easy way to determine the degree of obesity of a Caucasian male population who were at that time mostly underweight…now think about that. I’m not saying this should not be used but rather it’s should be used with other method and personalised to each individuals.

Personally when I was young I used to be quite sporty and lean, athletics etc anyway I wasn’t thinking a lot about food and weight but then I started working and obviously you don’t move as much… I kept gaining weight which was fine until I started to feel uncomfortable… and it was always something I think I was the only person to feel because of most of my friend being in the standards of the society would not understand what I was going through. I just became the fat black friend. No one was actually calling me like that (they wouldn’t be my friends otherwise) but unconsciously that’s what I was calling myself and how I was seeing myself, and that’s where it becomes dangerous.

Every time I was meeting a new woman, I was thinking another skinny one… poor them they did nothing to me but that was something I couldn’t really control. I know it’s not because you’re skinny or skinnier that you’re happy but that is not the situation I was in…

Where it’s going

After years of thinking and trying to figure it out, I will say i’m still on a journey for accepting my body. Honestly there are more and more days, where I think I’m gorgeous naked looking at myself it the mirror 😉 and for me that’s a big step.

Thank you for reading all the way and please, do not hesitate to leave a comment 😉

Bisous